When Rescuing Becomes Robbery

Sounds a bit harsh, eh? How can rescuing anything or anybody ever be a bad thing? Of course, I'm not talking about a physical rescue from something dangerous or life-threatening, like car collisions and assaults. Holding the door open for another is not a bad action to take. But sometimes, we take rescuing others to a whole other level that can actually harm the relationship or the other person's potential.

What the heck does that mean?

Ok, bear with me for a minute. We as a society, already believe in this. It may be most obvious in the world of parenting and raising little humans to be bigger, well-functioning humans. I believe most parents wants their child to grow up self-sufficient, confident, and kind. In order to help our kids arrive at self-sufficiency, we have to allow them to make their own decisions, even if they stumble and fall in the end. Obviously, I am excluding abusive situations and such. If we constantly guard the hot stove from their little curious hands, how will they know that it hurts? When my son was 4 years old, he insisted on wearing sandals to a playground that had bark mulch on the ground, so wearing sandals isn't the best choice. I tried to convey that bit of info, but he still insisted. So I let him. We didn't stay at the playground long because he was spending most of his time sweeping mulch out of his sandals. From that point on, he chose to wear his tennis shoes to any and all playgrounds. Natural consequences are some of our best teachers in life. We all know that if a toddler touches a hot stove, it'll be the first and last time they touch it. Lesson learned. Thanks, Natural Consequence. Logically, we understand that if we do everything for our kids, they will turn out to be insecure in their own abilities and overly-dependent on external validation.

Of course, logic doesn't always translate into action.

Enter emotions and beliefs.

If you're an empath, a helper, a healer, a people-pleaser, an over-giver, I know allowing others to learn through potentially painful challenges is one of the hardest things to do. For some, it's near impossible. It's one of the reasons partners and spouses of narcissists have difficulty leaving their relationship. They can be convinced - especially by the narcissist - that they are always needed and "being needed" is a delicious narcotic for someone who believes their worth falls on how many (broken) people they can "fix." I know this narcotic all too well.                            

I have never had a narcissistic partner or spouse, but for over three decades of my life, I was definitely a people pleasing rescuer. When you're a therapist, this becomes an easily justifiable role. One that gets celebrated and can lead to burnout without proper boundaries in place. As a child, being a helper was the only way to receive loving attention. I became quite good at helping others. I'm still quite skillful, but it's different now.

I have realized over the last couple decades that rescuing others actually robs them of their agency, their potential for healing and growth. If I continue to make decisions for my teenager, because I don't want them to fail and get hurt, they won't know how to make any decisions of their own when they enter adulthood. Their self-esteem and relationships will suffer. If I continue to cover for my coworkers' mistakes, they will never properly learn their job, eventually bring the rest of the team down, and develop a reputation of being more of a liability than an asset.

If you are a chronic rescuer, just pause long enough to ask yourself why you rescue. Once you get past the layers of "wanting to be compassionate and helpful," what emerges? Honestly. Is it something like...

My worth is defined by who I can fix..?

I don't know who I am if I am not needed..?

If they fail, then I am the one who failed them, and I cannot live with myself if that happens..?

Sound familiar?

Well, it's not too late to change a bad habit. But it has to start from within. It always starts from within. Check in with that part of you who chronically rescues. Connect with this part of you and let them know what will happen (or not happen) with this relationship if you don't stop rescuing. Better yet, show this part of you the "movie" of how your rescuing behaviors in the past have actually kept the other person in their dependent, helpless state, entitled state. I facilitate this technique with my clients and it can be powerfully honest.

When you stop chronically rescuing others, you're not only gifting yourself with much needed boundaries, space, and freedom, but you're gifting the other with agency and choice. There is no guarantee they will take the opportunity to heal, learn, and evolve, but at least you're giving them the opportunity to choose differently.

And that is all you are responsible for.